puppygirlcity

the way trans people who are not transfem talk about us and group us in as being "male" and like just use amab and afab as a replacement for male and female and like just talk about us like we are an after thought idk

like even friends i have will still do this and i dont feel safe trying to push back against it

like one time the discussion of mens nipples came up and this resulted in "at least afab nips are cute" and then just as an afterthought "Transfem nips are cute too" but this was followed up by "I wish i was transfem" by a tme trans person and like no you fucking dont?

it feels very fetishistic and makes me feel really bad like our bodies are third sexed and elements that make us dysphoric are fetishized by tme trans people because they want a penis or facial hair or any other elements of our bodies that serve to other and third sex us so we are fetishized by other non transfem trans people who refuse to listen to our actual voices and its disgusting

I was extremely worried but after nine days she is alive she messaged me and im so relieved and like after a decade of experiencing very intense relationships where they eventually leave i get to experience what its like when someone comes back and it feels extremely good.

thinking about how animals are treated in our world and its very upsetting not just like wildlife and stuff and climate change but the domesticated animals, especially the ones that we kill : ( its very upsetting.

stone tops are like the dreaaaam for me i think like, thats the dreammmm idk, im a pillow princess and i like, imagining that being not just like tolerated or whatever but desired like im the thing that is desired sounds amazing the way i function sexually is the thing thats desired

something clicked for me that like socialization in terms of male and female socialization doesn't exist

i was treating it as something i had to prove i didnt experience andn that i actually experienced "female socialization"

when those are terf concepts that are stupid

and theres like just, socialization in general as a concept without creating that stupid binary anything so i am letting go of legitimizing those concepts in my brain like yea i was socialized in a unique way and everyone is and it keeps happening throughout ones life and trans women have different experiences growing up as kids compared to cis men and there might be some shared experiences across everyone trans women have shared experiences with cis men and trans men and cis women because kids have shared experiences with other kids

but the equating trans men experience with cis women and trans womens with cis mens is bad and just starts creeping back into the whole male and female socialization

girl i hate my parents and they suck and they are abusive and sometimes idk if some of my friends rly acknowledge thaat idk i want my parents being abusive acknowledged

upsetting upsetting upsetting its not like i want to feel powerless to say no to things or push back on smth if its upsetting but i can barely communicate that im overstimulated and im always on edge about upsetting others

i create rules in different relationships of things im not supposed to do and eventually they just get more and more constricting til my best option is to just try and be quiet and small so i dont get in trouble so i dont overstimulate anyone so i dont get anyone mad at me

and its very difficult when others might overstimulate me and i dont know how to deal with it and i get angry because i am doing so much to try and be quiet and small and not cause problems and others cause me to feel badly and get overstimulated and want to cry and it gets worse and worse where i get more and more sensitive to things and it becomes an issue of me splitting on people and its awful

i feel such a strong need to be hardline about transmisogyny and sometimes it brings me into conflict i guess

when it comes to it im always going to prioritize the issues of trans women and i don't really care about how this makes cis people feel

im always going to give trans women a lot more room to be wrong or be crass or out of line or whatever like, egg jokes i don't really care about egg jokes

they are elevated to a cardinal sin especially when its about someone potentially being transfem, i think its good for this type of thinking to be injected into the cultural consciousness wherever it can be

the fact that the response to them is always coming up with situations where it wouldn't be okay and that just narrows and narrows to where its never okay

like i dont care i dont care

as a basic politeness i wouldn't encourage making these about someone who has asked them to stop buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut

i dont really care, i think as trans women we have to live in a world where its constantly enforced that we should not be trans woman and its bad its bad dont be a trans woman just be a gnc man just be a man just be a normal man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man

the laser like focus on trans women and how we behave in a world that wants us dead and what if there was the same focus and same outburst on how trans women are treated

but there isn't!!!! its always attacking trans women for anything and everything and no protecting us or helping us and im sick of it i wont be part of the problem

i am feeling like sometimes my friends doesn't rly understand the like like level of devotion i feel towards them and how it sort of causes a power imbalance

its because im bpd and its not something i can really stop

favorite person type behavior is like something i just have to learn how to navigate and it intersects with everything else going on with me where it just makes me fawn more and more and it makes it really hard to talk about my needs or boundaries

especially if they keep getting not listened to when i try to express them or i keep getting upset idk

i just wish people were more sensitive to it

i fawn extremely badly and its a lot its hard i dont know how to do anything but be conciliatory and people please and i feel like a monster for feeling so strongly about people and acting like this

also like i dont know i mean like i think its very difficult to i mean its scary i have trouble even trying to communicate to people that im doing this because who wants all of that pushed onto them : ( its not like i can stop doing it

i keep thinking about socialization and how it feels like its mostly just used as a cudgel to hurt me and my fellow transfems and like

sure trans women might learn negative behaviors because of being forced into being a "man" but .... cis women learn negative behaviors!!! everyone learns negative behaviors!!!!

socialization is just being used to paint trans women as ontologically evil for being coercively assigned male at birth because like the same shit isn't aimed at cis men...

im putting up a wall between trans women and cis men and like fucking, of course i am because the world is always telling trans women that we are actually men but we clearly aren't we aren't being treated like men

so like something something cishetero patriarchy enforces gender assignment on everyone and punishes people who diverge from it, especially the people assigned the role of man who break from that because we aren't men

and every "cis man" is a potential trans woman tbh

but i have trouble with the way i think negatively about men, all men of course, but in this case cis men, and the fact that some "men" are actually women!!!

but like fucking, thats the logic that evil mra types use to push the concept of misandry and say that transmisogyny is actually misandry and shit which isn't the case

im thinking about my negative attitude towards "men" and how i worry about that negatively affecting how i view the "men" who aren't men.

and likeeee negative attitudes towards men as a class are justified tbh and it changes how i act around people who i think are men until i know otherwise though i do have okay egg radar

its just impossible to have a conversation about this while theres the constant transmisogyny of "you are a man you are an evil predatory man" even though they do not think we are men they third gender us.